Stories
| It all started when our (former pornstar) juggalotus, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling very concerned, juggalotus deflowered a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he realized that his beloved faygo was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, juggalettus. juggalotus had known juggalettus for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. juggalettus was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little abrasive. juggalotus called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. juggalettus picked up to a very angry juggalotus. juggalettus calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks belch before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually earnestly turn red after mating. She had no idea what that meant she was only concerned with distracting juggalotus. Why was juggalettus trying to distract juggalotus? Because she had snuck out from juggalotus's with the faygo only eleven days prior. It was a sassy little faygo... how could she resist? It didn't take long before juggalotus got back to the subject at hand: his faygo. juggalettus shuddered. Relunctantly, juggalettus invited him over, assuring him they'd find the faygo. juggalotus grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, juggalettus realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the faygo and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if juggalotus took the tricked out go kart, she would have at least five minutes before juggalotus would get there. But if he took the shitty mobile? Then juggalettus would be very screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, juggalettus was interrupted by five pestering titty tats that were lured by her faygo. juggalettus sighed, 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she carefully reached for her banana and randomly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the shitty mobile rolling up. It was juggalotus. As he pulled up he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a leap, juggalotus was out of the shitty mobile and went scandalously jaunting toward juggalettus's front door. Meanwhile inside, juggalettus was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the faygo into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. juggalettus was displeased but at least the faygo was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' juggalettus indiscriminately purred. With a heroic push, juggalotus opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid spite-toting jerk in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' juggalettus assured him. juggalotus took a seat uncomfortably close to where juggalettus had hidden the faygo. juggalettus shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But juggalotus was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, juggalettus noticed a stupid look on juggalotus's face. juggalotus slowly opened his mouth to speak. ...Whats that smell? juggalettus felt a stabbing pain in her kidney when juggalotus asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the faygo right by her oscillating fan. Wh-what? I don't smell anything..! A lie. A pestering look started to form on juggalotus's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier. juggalotus nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before juggalettus could react, juggalotus aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The faygo was plainly in view. juggalotus stared at juggalettus for what what must've been seven minutes. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, juggalettus groped explosively in juggalotus's direction, clearly desperate. juggalotus grabbed the faygo and bolted for the door. It was locked. juggalettus let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, juggalotus,' she rebuked. juggalettus always had been a little insensitive, so juggalotus knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before juggalettus did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his faygo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. juggalettus looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from juggalotus. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for juggalotus. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. juggalettus walked over to the window and looked down. juggalotus was gone. Just yonder, juggalotus was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind juggalettus's place. juggalotus had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral titty tats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the faygo. One by one they latched on to juggalotus. Already weakened from his injury, juggalotus yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of titty tats running off with his faygo. About six hours later, juggalotus awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and juggalotus did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting imaginery desert, juggalotus was excessively lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his faygo was taken by the titty tats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized titty tat emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha titty tat. juggalotus opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the titty tat sunk its teeth into juggalotus's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from juggalotus's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than eleven miles away, juggalettus was entombed by anguish over the loss of the faygo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened carrot. With a skillful thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about juggalotus... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the faygo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant titty tats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after. THE END |